How to come home for only 5 minutes when you have a 4-year-old.
She will be ecstatic to see you and so sad when you leave. It is too hard.
So, here’s what you do:
- Park down the street. Turn your engine off and ghost to a stop.
- Super-speed from car, to behind a tree, to crouched under the open window frame.
- Sneak towards the front door silently cursing Spouse for leaving the glass door uncovered.
- Take an agonizing minute to slowly and silently pick the lock, since the key literally squeaks, and you’d rather have youtubed how to conduct a criminal activity than alert the preschooler to your brief presence.
- Press yourself flat to the floor as you hear little running feet cross in front of the entrance way.
- Stay still for 30 seconds after the last of the footsteps fade.
- Open the door at the exact speed that renders it quiet.
- Tip toe through the kitchen and grab the lunch bag you forgot this morning.
- From the other room, overhear your daughter ask for a snack.
- Stuff yourself in a cabinet.
- In your panic, you chose the cabinet with the snacks. Dead eye and hold a finger to your lips when your spouse opens the cabinet to retrieve the granola bars.
- Hand him/her one while he/she obligingly blocks you from view and shuns the preschooler back to cartoons.
- Unfold yourself.
- You don’t have time for feeling to come back to your legs, so hop/limp back to the door.
- You hear Spouse turn the cartoon volume up.
- You decide to get Spouse the GOOD Christmas present.
- You quickly open the door, run tree to tree, and land back in the car.
- Try not to let the tires squeal as you make your escape.
- Realize you left the lunch bag back in the snack cabinet.