The Commandments of the Southern Thanksgiving Gathering
- Thou shalt bring something.
- Thou shalt obligingly laugh while everyone teases what thou brought. Ice? Who raised thou?
- Thou shalt not partake of more alcohol than that which makes thee a more pleasant companion.
- Thou shalt not eat for a goodly number of hours before feast-time. All tasting/picking/thieving fingers shall be smote.
- Thou shalt put a little bit of what everyone brought on thy plate (and discretely place thy paper plate with thine uneaten portions upside down in the trash to avoid hurting feelings.)
- Thou shalt write thy name on thy solo cup with a sharpie. Thou shalt keep thy solo cup.
- Thou shalt ring thy hands in mourning for those working on this day- and run to the store for just one more thing.
- Thou shalt slow thy roll and let the elderly and kiddos get food first. Thou art a grown-up.
- Thou shalt free thy brother and neighbor by obligingly jumping up and moving thy car from the parking fiasco that is the front yard.
- Thou shalt not eat until everyone is seated and the agreed upon terms of pre-eating have come to pass (e.g. praying, going around and sharing gratitude, etc.).
- Thou shalt make a wish on the wishbone- even if it is most gross.
- Thou shalt compliment everything. EVERYTHING.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s last roll.
- Thy pie consumption shall not exceed thy elastic function.
- Thou shalt chase thy host/hostess away from the sinkload of dishes with the nearest long-handled cleaning utensil.
- Thou shalt not politic to the point of hurt feelings. Remember why thou came and partook of turkey in the first place.
- Thou shalt not take a plate, if thou didst not bring a dish.
- Thou shalt not covet thy sister-in-law’s casserole dish. Even if she did “leave it behind.”