Posted in Mama, Writer

For Halloween! The Horror Movie Shower Scene: Single Lady Vs. Mom of Littles

It’s Halloween season (is that what we call it?), so let’s have a little horror fun.

The Traditional Shower Scene vs. The Shower Scene with a Mom of a Child Who Has School the Next Day

Traditional Shower Scene

(Steamy bathroom. Showering naked woman. A disguised serial killer enters unseen.)

(Door creaks.)

Woman: Who’s there? Rick? Is that you?

Serial killer silence.

Woman: Rick, stop it. You’re scaring me. Rick?

(Serial killer is finally seen through the thick steam, woman screams, and is murdered).

Fin.

Shower Scene with Mom of a School-Aged Child

(Steamy bathroom. Showering naked woman. A disguised serial killer enters unseen.)

(Door creaks.)

Mom (fully expecting that this is the child she has already said goodnight to three times, re-tucked in blankets for, fetched glasses of water and teddy bears for, and answered questions about God, superheroes, and Johnny Appleseed for, responds immediately with):

I swear to God above, if you don’t get right back to where you are supposed to be this instant you will be stuck in that room forever with nothing but the darkest whole grain bread, water, and the Oxford English Dictionary with the words “Rue,” “Sorrow,” and “woe” highlighted for your convenience. I don’t know what makes you think you can 1.) be sneaking around at night like you don’t have a place to be, and 2.) that you can just barge in to a bathroom with no thought of privacy or personal space– words that will also be highlighted in that you’re-never-going-to-see-the-light-of-day-again dictionary. Let me assure you, sweetheart- if your trouble making behind is anywhere near here when I get this soap out of my hair, you had better be able to run faster than The Flash, ‘cause I am going to be Right. Behind. You.

(Moments later, Mom emerges into an empty bathroom. The next day, her nice, mild-mannered coworker mysteriously starts giving her a wide berth.)

 

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